I have anxiety. {remembering my best friend Marianne}

"Excuse me, your OCD is showing. (Just thought you ought to know?)"

Oh, I know. 


          I have anxiety.

I try to pretend I don't. I try to hide it when others are around. But, the truth of the matter is that I do and sometimes it's pretty darn apparent.

Especially lately.

Back in High School (which lately feels like a million years ago) while with my best friend Marianne in her room I found a couple of these little dolls on the floor by her bed.

I laughed a little. What funny little dolls to just be lying around a teenager girls room.

"What are these?" I asked.

"Oh," She said as she took them from me and held them in her hand like they were something special/fragile. "They are my worry dolls."

I became very curious. "What are worry dolls?"

"Every night, before I go to bed, I whisper to each one a worry of mine and then put them under my pillow... and, they take my worries away while I sleep."

I knew right away that I needed some worry dolls too.

And, although I haven't used them in years and years I found them in the drawer of my nightstand the other night and seriously considered secretly telling them all my anxious feelings.

It couldn't hurt right?

Life.

Wonderful, happy, sad, seemingly unbearable- all of it- equals what we all term as our life.

My days have been filled with sadness, loneliness, and uncertainty lately. One moment I feel perfectly fine, capable, and full of faith. And the next moment I can't stop the tears.

After experiencing two miscarriages in the past 6 months and wondering how I will find the strength to move on I've found myself thinking a lot about life lately. My own life in particular. And, (in my opinion, by some miracle) have come to the calming conclusion that through it all, good and bad, amazing and horrible, all these "pieces" (the lost babies, the heartache, the pain) are still a part of my life- the one life I have gratefully been blessed with and I feel strongly that I cannot waste my time waiting for my trials to diminish and the light to peek through the seemingly endless dark clouds that surround my life at times like these- I must create the light out of the darkness.

I watched a cute movie recently (on the Disney channel, of course) and one of the songs they sing at the end plays in my mind over and over again lately...

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine... let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...!"

My light feels little and I'm not sure how much light it gives off at times, but I know that I do want to "let it shine!"

Apparently, light has become somewhat of a theme in my life these last few weeks. The words to one of my newly favorite hymns "Lead Kindly Light" reads-

(1st half of verse 1)

"Lead kindly light amid th'encircling gloom; Lead thou me on! 

The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on!"

...

(third verse)

"So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on

o'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till night is gone.

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

which I have loved long since, and lost a-while!"

I feel the light of my Savior and I have seen those angel faces smile in the earthly angels of family members and those that I have met here in Columbus, Nebraska. Not only has it been a little bit hard to move so far from everything so familiar, but to go through yet another miscarriage has just been more at times than I feel I am able to bear. 

But, although I feel loss, sadness, and a very heavy heart I must not forget to count my many blessing for I am truly and amazingly blessed in so many ways. In my kitchen there are a few decorations which have given some peace to my heavy heart in the moments when things feel the very hardest.

My grandma Adams gave me this quote tile a couple years ago and I have always loved it, but lately as I pass it I feel so much strength in its words. 

Some days it is just the little things that seem to carry me through. Small reminders that I am not alone. My Savior, Jesus Christ, knows and loves me. {Alma 7:11-12} I have a family both back in Utah and here in Nebraska who care about me and my small family. Everything will be okay. I will be okay. My Savior will lead me on if I can only put my faith in him. It might will not be easy, but I truly believe it will be worth it.